Is the state of the world messing with your REM cycles and giving you frown lines? Not to worry—we produce an array of products that are proven to lessen the negative effects of living in a near-dystopian society. From books to bath soaks, our offerings are one-of-a-kind in the saturated self-care market.
“Unconditional: Learn to Love a Job You Actually Hate”
Unconditional love should not be limited to our children, grandparents, and pets. With this helpful primer, you will learn how to tap the boundless love in your soul to further your employer’s agenda. Underpaid? Skipped over for that promotion? Generally exhausted? That’s not a problem! Written by the best-selling author and motivational speaker Unreál X. Pectations, this book is sure to make you hate your job just a little less than you did yesterday.
Political A.S.M.R. Meditation Music
Our political A.S.M.R. series features bilateral soundscapes designed to calm your nervous system. Each track starts at a 412-Hz frequency for optimal brain-soothing. With top streaming hits such as “Grown Men Crying in an Office,” “Both Sides Chanting Simultaneously,” and “One Word Trump-isms,” you’ll be able to enjoy gray noise wherever podcasts are available.
Lavender Vinegar Sadness Soak!
The newest addition to our line of self-care products, Lavender Vinegar Sadness Soak! is a lovingly crafted bath-salt formula unlike any other. The salts seep deep into your pores, enter your bloodstream, and remove any semblance of unhappiness. With a ninety per cent rate of effectiveness, this product is not F.D.A. approved.
Bye-Bye, Burdens Blanket
The Bye-Bye, Burdens Blanket is a weighted blanket engineered to match the weight of your worries down to the last kilogram. The blanket uses state-of-the-art technology to locate your stress points and then applies the exact pressure you already experience. If you feel the metaphorical weight of the world on you, you can now experience the physical manifestation of that emotion in real time! Although our legal team has determined that the Bye-Bye, Burdens Blanket is unsuitable for children, acquiring one is so easy that a child could do it (but shouldn’t). All you have to do is visit our Web site, sign a few waivers, enter your payment details, and voila!
Brave Face Mask
Similar but definitely unrelated to Botox, our Brave Face Mask will erase any sign of genuine human emotion from your features and replace it with a semipermanent vacant smile. If you’re angry, no one needs to know! If you’re sad, no one needs to know! You can have an unchanging expression for just $5.99. The effects can last up to forty-eight hours following initial use, and the more you use it, the more permanent your Brave Face becomes. Some reviewers have raved that, after only one carton, they were never able to show real emotion again.
Forthcoming Products
Pending our success in formal litigation regarding our current offerings, we are set to release more self-care products very soon. Be on the lookout for Nostalgia Tea, a beverage that will instantly take you back to your childhood, causing uncontrollable bouts of crying whenever consumed, and much more! ♦
